We just need to communicate better….

Couples come into therapy saying they “just need to communicate better.” But what does that really mean? Communication isn’t just about talking—it’s about how we listen, interpret, and respond to our partner. It’s how we make each other feel in how we communicate.

Why we talk, but don’t connect?

In truth, most couples don’t suffer from a lack of communication—they suffer from ineffective communication. They repeat the same conversations, react defensively, or talk past each other. Esther Perel points out that communication is not just about what is said—it’s about what is heard and felt.

Couples often say that their partner doesn’t listen, what this often means is their partner is not making them feel understood. Statements such as ‘we talk all the time’ doesn’t mean each partner feels connected to each other. It's worth asking yourself, are you truly listening, or are you just waiting for your turn to talk?

So, couples can fall into communication patterns that don’t build that essential trust, connection and understanding - ‘It’s not the words that fail us, it’s the way we use them’ (Esther Perel).

Speaking from wounds, not from needs

Effective communication suffers further if our conversations are driven by past wounds where we don’t speak to be understood but to defend, accuse or self-protect. Couples can fall into a pattern of not asking for their needs and being vulnerable e.g. ‘I feel insecure when we’re apart’ and instead attack their partner ‘You’d rather be somewhere else than with me’.

This can start a communication pattern that’s based on criticism that can only trigger defensiveness in your partner where no needs are met. If there is a genuine issue that needs to be worked out, for example in domestic duties, making a healthy complaint is a better way to communicate than an attack such as ‘I feel overwhelmed with all this work – can we find a way together to better share the load?’ This way invites cooperation from your partner and not a situation where they counterattack or pull away.

Assumptions and mind-reading.

Couples often assume that they already know what their partner thinks or feels and often reacts to them with this certainty. I advise couples to hold back on their assumptions as this can be the death of curiosity as we stop engaging with them as a separate person. Instead, we project our past experiences on them which creates emotional distance rather than risking that unknown, getting curious and asking questions with our partner, thus deepening intimacy. When we stop wondering and learning about our partners, we truly stop seeing them. I help couples to pause first, assume good intentions and get curious without immediately jumping to defensiveness or blame.

Knowing when to discuss a difficult topic

I often advise couples not to delve into difficult topics of conversation when one or both partners are stressed. There’s no point revisiting or beginning a contentious topic of conversation when your partners tolerance to have a healthy conversation is limited. It’s best to assess your partners needs beforehand before launching into a topic that would be better discussed at a different time. Notice your partners emotional state and respond to their needs without pushing to resolve a difficulty as this will only result in your partner becoming defensive, shutting down or pulling away.

Taking time out

When things get heated in a conflict, I ask that each partner takes time out. However, it’s how you take that break that matters. It’s important that each partner understands that the break is not abandoning and that it’s not to avoid the conversation. It’s about self-regulation, to agree with each other to take 20 mins to cool down so each can come back together, to talk with a focus on repair. It’s a moment to come back and respond and not react!

It’s important that each partner agrees to the timing so each knows the other will return to listen and work things through. This prevents each from feeling abandoned or dismissed and avoids destructive arguments.

So, are you talking or communicating?

Ineffective communication is about failing to listen and understand your partner. It’s about how you make them feel in your response. Do you have a neglectful response or are you available, present and really listening? Are you curious or do you assume? Are you closed or open whilst your listen, what are you learning about your partner as they speak? Are your conversations transactional or are they meaningful and intimate? Do you talk about schedules or do you carve out the time to talk about your emotions, thoughts and desires.

Sustaining a relationship is a skill, it takes work. Learn how to communicate effectively just as you would any other life skill. Miscommunication is inevitable, but what matters is how you recover and repair, this is very important. There’s a misconception that couples should communicate perfectly all the time. But in reality, even the most connected partners will misread each other, react emotionally, or say the wrong thing. The goal isn’t never making mistakes—it’s learning how to recover quickly and with care.

Jayne Wynne. Individuals & Couples Psychotherapy. Exeter and Online