Loving too much and losing ourselves in love.

Esther Perel would likely say that loving too much to the point of losing yourself reflects an imbalance in the dynamic between intimacy and autonomy. There is a tension between our need for connection and our need for independence.

It’s my view that if you disappear into your partner, the relationship stops being a meeting of two autonomous individuals and becomes a fusion—often leading to resentment, dependency, or emotional fatigue. I truly believe that real intimacy and eroticism thrives in the space between people, not in the sameness. If couples lose themselves in each other, they lose the space where surprise thrives, and it erodes desire and vitality.

I think that loving too much has its roots in attachment difficulties or early childhood patterns, where love is earned and maintained by losing yourself. In essence, it’s a trauma response that probably kept us safe as children, but it can lead to a loss of autonomy, identity and a sense of mystery that brings vitality to any relationship.

Holding on too tight leaves a lack of breathing space and no room for self hood where intimacy and eroticism thrive. Being fused in love can feel intoxicating at first but it becomes unsustainable, we need some distance and separateness in order for that essential desire and vitality to breathe.

Reclaiming your individual self in a relationship is essential to deepening intimacy. I challenge the myth that boundaries are cold and rejecting – they are not. They are an essential structure to preserve connection and respect. They are an act of love where we can lovingly assert our needs with our partners. If we don’t hold this structure, we lose ourselves in love and we wonder ‘who’s actually in the relationship?’

We live in a world where romantic love is often portrayed as all-consuming, it can feel noble—or even necessary—to give everything to your partner. We call it devotion, soul connection, or commitment. But as Esther Perel reminds us ‘intimacy that costs you your sense of self is not intimacy—it’s enmeshment’. Reclaiming autonomy can actually breathe life back into connection.

Jayne Wynne. Individuals & Couples Psychotherapy. Exeter and Online