
In every relationship, resentment and anger can arise, often stemming from feeling hurt, unheard, or unappreciated.
Resentment, when left unresolved, acts like a wedge in relationships, slowly pushing couples apart, eroding trust and intimacy.
Unresolved resentment can cause repeating blame cycles where each partner accuses the other ‘you never make time for me’ or ‘you never do the cooking, I do everything.’ This type of communication triggers defensiveness in the other leading to a pattern of attack and counterattack relating.
While these emotions are valid, they are rarely the root of the issue. In fact, anger and resentment are often masks for deeper, more vulnerable feelings, like hurt, fear, or longing.
Transforming conflict into connection begins with identifying and expressing the needs beneath those emotions, translating blame into longing.
A big part of couples therapy is to uncover these tender needs and longings that have lay hidden underneath. For example, a blaming statement of ‘you never make time for me’ could be translated to ‘I feel unimportant when we don’t spend time together, I need to feel more connected to you.”
This shifts the focus from blame to a request for connection and intimacy.
With support, couples slowly begin to try out new ways of relating to each other that invites closeness. Couples can rediscover the bond that drew them together in the first place, the good parts of each other and their relationship that have been long forgotten.
Jayne Wynne. TA Psychotherapy. Exeter and online